I support you

Kris Corbus Author

do you? what do you really mean when you say it?

People love saying "I support you".

It sounds generous.
Selfless. Noble.

But let’s be precise about what support actually means.

Support means bearing cost with no guaranteed return.
No refund.
No delayed payoff.
Not even a “thank you.”

That’s exactly why real support is rare—and why it is noble.

Humans Don’t Run on Pure Altruism

Here’s the inconvenient part:
Humans are wired for reciprocity.

All of us.

Social exchange is the foundation of human cooperation (Trivers, 1971). Even Sheldon Cooper understands this: you give me a gift, I now owe you a proportional gift in return. That’s not selfishness—it’s basic social glue.

So why do so many people insist on calling themselves supporters?

The “Supporter” Identity

For some people, support isn’t just an action.
It becomes an identity.

They don’t say “I support this person in this situation.”
They say “I am someone who supports.”

This identity often shows up in personal brands, social roles, and even business models:

• “I support women.”
• “I support LGBTQ+ people.”
• “I support neurodivergent creators.”

Sometimes it’s framed as representation, sometimes as advocacy, sometimes as ethical consumption:
“If you buy from me, you’re supporting them too.”

Identities help people orient themselves in the social world.
Being “a supporter” signals values, belonging, and alignment. It answers the question “Who am I in this story?”

And socially, it works.

The label communicates:

• “I’m one of the good ones.”
• “I stand on the right side.”

It confers moral credibility and social safety.

When “Support” Becomes a Display

Many people who call themselves supporters do mean it—at least initially.

They donate.
They signal alignment.
They associate themselves with causes, communities, and values they genuinely agree with.

“This is the kind of person I believe myself to be.”

The problem doesn’t start with intent.
It starts with how that identity is enacted.

Support slowly shifts from doing the work to being seen as the kind of person who does the work.

And that’s where things get uncomfortable.

Support as Branding

I’m always deeply uncomfortable for the people being showcased for organisations and businesses:

• One LGBTQ+ employee showcased across the entire website
• A rainbow logo in June, silence the rest of the year
• “We support diversity” used as a marketing claim rather than an operational reality

Because if a company were truly as supportive as it claims, it wouldn’t have one LGBTQ+ person.
It would have many.

Small communities are highly networked.
They talk.
They know where it’s safe to work.

Token presence isn’t proof of support—it’s often proof of image management.

The support exists more clearly in the narrative than in the structure.

Personal Support, Public Silence

This dynamic doesn’t only exist in organisations. It shows up interpersonally too.

In tech, I was often the only woman in the room—across teams, projects, companies.

When the Me Too movement gained visibility, something interesting happened.

Men started telling me—privately—how they were “the good ones.”
How they supported women.
How they weren’t like the others.

Those conversations almost always happened one-on-one.

But in meetings?
In group settings?
When unkind comments or dismissive remarks were made?

The “good ones” said them.
And other “good ones” didn’t intervene either.

Can we even say that the support existed in words and in private or only in self-description?

Support moved from action to self-concept.
From “I do something” to “I am someone.”

The Tell: What Happens When Support Isn’t Repaid

I used to invest my time and energy to unmask fake supporters. Now I don't do it anymore. I accept that they are in learning phase and maybe they never will complete that phase.   

If you want to experiment then watch closely what happens when you treat these people like actual altruists and offer them nothing in return, not even a "thank you".

They start to complain.

• “After everything I did for you/them…”
• “Nobody appreciates me.”
• “I’m always the one giving.”

That’s the giveaway.

A real altruist wouldn’t complain—because complaint implies expectation.

My hypothesis: fake altruists wanted to use social image and they don’t want just any reciprocity for their good heart. They want disproportionate reciprocity.

The Hidden Transaction

They give something that costs them little—or that they don’t particularly need—
and expect to own your success, gratitude, loyalty, or moral debt in return.

They want:

• altruist status
• with exchange-relationship returns

In other words:
“I want to be seen as selfless, but paid like it’s a transaction.”

That’s not support.
That’s an unspoken contract—and an uneven one.

My best advice : have a very good boundaries. 

You do not know what mental boundaries are or how to apply them? I can help. Write me a message "boundaries" and I will share current options. 

Categories: : awareness